It was nothing, absolutely nothing. I know you don’t believe me, but I’ll try to explain. Well maybe it was something, but it definitely wasn’t love. I wasn’t in love with him or anything like that, even though I probably made you believe I was. I made myself believe I was. You know, he’s sweet, kind, gentle, caring, funny and somehow just adorable – like a big teddy bear. He likes to talk. People like him. He can get along with almost everybody. I know him, he knows me. We don’t talk very often, but that’s probably my fault. My insecurity prevents me from talking a lot to people, including him. We’ve known each other for about three or four years now. I always liked his smile. His smile is just so sweet. When I look at him and he smiles at me I can’t do anything but smile back. But.. does that make me love him? Do I love him? I suppose not. I don’t think I ever really was in love with him or even liked him in such a way. I know it sounds strange, but I’ll try to explain. I always wanted somebody to love. I wanted to feel loved. It felt like life was meaningless without someone to love – I think you know the feeling. Anyway, I wanted someone to love. And then there he was. He, with his cute smile. I think I knew his name before he knew mine, but I never really looked at him that way. And then somehow fate brought us together. Well okay, not together, but closer. He smiled at me when he saw me – just like he smiled at everybody else, but it felt special. I wanted it to feel special, so it did. I wanted to fall in love with him and I thought I did. And most of all I wanted him to fall in love with me. I wanted someone to hold, to love. Somehow I believed he could be that someone. Of course he wasn’t. Of course he wasn’t in love with me. I never really decided to tell him how I felt about him. I didn’t dare to tell him. I never told anyone. I was ashamed of my feelings and I never wanted him to find out. I’ve cried way too many tears over him. I never wanted to tell him anything cause I knew he didn’t love me back. I just knew. I felt about 99% sure that there was nothing going on between us, but yet that 1% kept me hanging on. Now I realize there was never really anything going on between us. You can’t even really call it friendship. It’s not that he hates me, but.. I don’t know. I accepted the fact that there was nothing between us. I had to. But somehow it always felt like he was special to me. When I had a problem or something like that, he was the one I wanted to talk to. I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to tell him about my feelings. I never did. I told some of my problems to other people, but they could never really help me. And maybe it was because I didn’t tell them enough. They said these things, which where probably true..but it didn’t help me. I couldn’t believe the things they said. They didn’t really make me feel better. And I know that if he would’ve said exactly the same things; it would’ve helped me. He could’ve made me feel all right, he really could – and maybe he still can. I just wanted him to listen to me, to hold me. That would make everything all right. I try not to believe that anymore. It just felt that way, it wasn’t really true. I wanted to believe it. I still want to believe it? I wanted to believe he was special to me. I wanted to believe he was the one; the one who would love me. Of course he wasn’t. I only thought he was. And maybe he was, inside my head, in my dreams. He definitely wasn’t in real life. We were never close, we never really talked. So I tried to get over him, but he kept showing up in my dreams. Sometimes he still does. I don’t have the strength to push him away. I love those dreams, even though I think I shouldn’t. They always make me feel good – even if it’s just for a short moment. But then when I wake up I realize it was just a dream. Again. And it will happen again, and again. I know I’m not in love with him. I do know now. But every now and then I just try to forget that, cause those thoughts about him comfort me. I just hope that someday I’ll find my own special person. I know it won’t be him. I just know. I only need to accept it; one day I will.